In conclusion: I suck at blogging regularly.

I think it’s been like 4 months.

So much has happened! I’m moving to New York in like 2 weeks. I will be a special ed. teacher by day, a grad student by night.

I have a ton of stuff to read & do by the 10th, but I will get it on.

Collie J. always makes it.

I hope to start this back up again during my summer training/ next school year, but life so often gets in the way of the Internet.

I have to say, before I sleep, that I will miss my high school (and I guess K5) kids at CMS.

Everyone else can suck it!

Ah, I should probably grow up at some point.

I just had a drunken epiphany.

There is a huge disconnect between the high schoolers I teach and my fellow teachers.

I think I figured out what accounts for that disconnect.

Adults always say, “Teenagers think they know everything.”

But what we ignore, I think, is our own teenage years.

Don’t you remember? You didn’t think you knew everything. You actually—legit—knew everything.

From your perspective, of course. But still. You were actually smarter than all the adults around you. 

I mean. That was your conception of reality, at least. But that doesn’t make it any less real.

So we talk down to these kids, “Oh! You think you’ve got it all figured out!” But what we don’t realize/remember is that from their isolated, inexperienced points of view, they actually do have it all figured out.

I’m not sure where to go from this epiphany, but I think just acknowledging it is a good start.

I think I’ve found my groove.

I still have a long way to go before I can say that I am a good teacher, but I’m making my way.

I need to get better at lesson planning. I usually just wing it. I think it’s fine to wing it to an extent, but it’s good to have a kind of support to your wings.

I need to get better at staying on top of grading. I have a pile the size of a small dog to grade, and it gets bigger every school day.

I need to get better at disciplining. I am a softy & a pushover. I hate punishments & yelling. I like jokes & laughing.

1. Write something every day
2. Figure out what I want to be when I grow up
3. Develop a fan base
4. Do some more work with the Thrift!Store!Skanks?
5. Balance everything perfectly

That’s all. Doable, right?

My interview is tomorrow! Gah. I am nervous. Mostly because, as I told Topher, I don’t really have plan B’s.

Right now I need to: get this job, finish this school year, move in with Topher in NYC.

Right now I’m unsure of: whether or not I’m going to get this job, what I’m going to do if I don’t, how I’m going to move here if I don’t get a job, how I’m going to maintain my relationship if I don’t move here, where I’m going to live if I don’t move here & stay in Milwaukee, what I’m going to do for a job in Milwaukee if I don’t move here.

Maybe I worry too much.

Chill the eff out & STFU!

I’m going to the MOMA.

I’ve evaporated & left behind

a briny husk &

a fashionable scarf.

Sometimes I walk alone

in cities you’re not in

to places we’ve never been to. &

from here I can see

every speckle in your spotted

eyes & you can see disaster &

astigmatism in mine.

I’ve fermented so sweet

to the point of puking.

so sharp to draw

blood &

tears &

us napping nude

over the covers. I thought

I saw you yesterday. You were crawling

down 14th with a caravan

of bullshit. With a carapace

where your face is

or should be.

I swear that it was you,

but memory punched me in the back

of the head.

You’re gone. You

left last week &

took my crazy creaking heart &

all my nice Tupperware with you.

Be careful. It was all Rubbermaid-expensive, &

won’t keep that heart fresh

for long.

I want to find a lake &

name it after you, then swim

across it naked with your hands

on my back &

krill nibbling the dead

skin from my toes.

I’d drown without those hands,

or not. Maybe I’d shoot across the body

like a 4-day load &

find an egg &

thrive.

I don’t think I want to

know because, yes:

those hands resting

on my back feel better than

all the masked men

in the past who broke

their diamond promises &

stole twenty dollar bills

from my yellow wallet.

You know when you are a senior in high school and you feel like you’re already done?

Like the end is so close, that finishing the year is just a chore of a formality.

That is called senioritis. I am suffering from a similar affliction that I have dubbed Wisconsinitis.

I think this (along with the fast approaching S.A.D. season) is why I’ve been so anti-social lately.

What’s the point, really? My head & heart just isn’t in this place anymore.

I mean with life & everything.

Some days are really good: I have all my shiz planned, things go swimmingly, I’m thinking, “Yeah! I’m totally into this.”

Other days are awful. No one listens; I get frustrated; I want to leave & just smoke tons of cigs.

This week after Thanksgiving break has been that way.

Everyone is antsy. I’m more easily annoyed. Probably because T-Day is in just 20 days, and I’d really like it to hurry up and get here.

I need to focus my thoughts a bit:

9th graders are doing “Romeo & Juliet”. Mixed results, but I’m having fun with Shakespeare, which is a first.

10th graders are writing research papers on the topic of their choice. I’m simultaneously doing a unit of non-fiction essays from their textbook.

11th & 12th graders are doing Poe. Again, mixed results. I’m getting frustrated with them because they’re not getting into him, and I love him.

Next week I’m continuing with the same stuff for my 9th & 10th. 11th & 12th are going to be doing a female writers unit.

I’m trying to pound thesis statements into my 12th graders (really, all my grades, but I’m doing some extra drilling with the 12th).

I’m applying to Teaching Fellows in NYC.

I’m trying to get my finances/emotions/shit together. I think I’m making progress.

It’s been awhile; I apologize.

It’s just gotten so cold & school has gotten more hectic.

I’ve really lost all motivation to do anything with these kids. I think it’s directly attributable to my financial situation.

For the month of November, we only got paid $200. That’s it.

Here’s why:

At choice schools, Uncle Sam give you a certain amount of money per child enrolled. I guess the school reports how many kids it has enrolled in August or September, then the government gives us that much money to last until December when we report again.

The problem is that about 100 kids have enrolled after the last reporting, but before December.

Meaning we are not getting that money for those kids until December.

Meaning they don’t have enough money to pay their teachers until December.

Meaning, I am poor & not seeing a lot of incentives to work very much right now.

It will get better, I hope.

Since the start of the new quarter I have:

• Implemented daily writing prompts for all of my classes
• Started giving my students a “Word of the Day” every day
• Started my 10th graders on a research paper
• Started my 9th graders on “Romeo & Juliet”
• Been completely at a loss for what to do with my 11th & 12th graders
• Given out 10 lunch detentions

So, I guess I haven’t lost all motivation.

I am still going to try to blog every day, but this counting the days thing is getting overwhelming.

I had my students take two short stories I assigned in class and compare them. 

Then they asked if they could do any short story we’ve read so far. I said, “sure”.

Then this student turned in a paper in which he compared a short story we read with a manga. He didn’t ask for permission to do this, but I’m thinking of letting it slide. He’s one of the “good ones”, and at least he’s writing something.

I’d like to post some excerpts now:

“Koromo lives in an apartment by himself…Waverly Place Jong also lives somewhere.”

“Both Koromo and Waverly Place Jong are not creatures, they are human beings.”

“Waverly Place Jong lost her father in a dangerous assignment at work…Koromo has only one family member that I know and he got attacked by a vampire.”

I love these kids.